Special Edition South Bend Barbies!

Thanks to Scooter, I got this in my email today.

It's too good not to share with the rest of the yawl.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition

Barbie Dolls for the South Bend area market:

"Clay Township Barbie" This princess Barbie is sold only at UP Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Mishawaka Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"River Park Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. (Harry proudly calls this WWT)
"Granger Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Osceola Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"Gilmer Park Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Osceola Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. "Western Avenue Barbie Set" This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"Southeast Side Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
"100 Center Barbie/Ken" This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

NOTICE: Dressing the "Gilmer Park Barbie" in "Clay Township Barbie"

clothes is the same as "Whore of an Ex-Wife Barbie".

Pissing the bed can save your life!

I got up the other morning like many many times before and went straight to the first business of the day… pissing. This was a weekend too so it was a big piss, the kind that wakes your ass up so you don’t piss the bed. As a guy you thank god when it isn’t accompanied with a morning wood because that could lead to pain.

Anyway, I strolled up to the porcelain bucket and proceeded to go. After a few minutes I started feeling faint. I know “feeling faint” sounds kinda faggy but passing out is for drunks. Really I don’t know what I was feeling but I never felt it before. It’s like being a little dizzy but with the feeling I was going to check out. In those few seconds my mind went through a thousand thoughts.

The first thoughts consisted of self diagnosis. “What the hell is this?” “Am I going to pass out? – no you’re not drunk” “Am I having an aneurism?” “Is this what fainting is like?” “Does my piss smell THAT bad?”

The next thoughts centered on self preservation. I leaned over and grabbed the vanity, making sure I kept the stream centered. If I survived this deal the last thing I need is the wife crabbing about a piss soaked bathmat. I had a firm grip on the vanity when the piss trailed off and I started to feel back to normal.

Now my thoughts are on the way things could have turned out. Being fully conscious I noticed that I was leaned way over the toilet. What if I would have passed out? It could have gotten ugly. Hell, I could have died! Passed out, fell over, face in a toilet of my own stenchy piss, drowned. What would the scene look like when my wife or daughter found me? Would the CSI guys take pictures of my head in the crapper? I’d hope that the paper would have the decency to list the cause of death as “natural causes.”

After I told my wife about what had happened, it took her wisdom to point out that the whole episode was probably because of my giving blood the day before. That makes sense. The blood bank even told me that something like this could happen… although they didn’t give me the details. I think I’ll write a letter and to be safe, the next time I give blood I’m just going to piss the bed.