Not as fun as a Blumpkin

Not so long ago I took a trip with the fam over to Michigan City to find some “bargains” at the outlet mall. We spent a good chunk of the morning there and I felt the need to snack. There was the little hot-dog cart tempting me. Well call me Ulysses because those little pork-entrail-sirens were’a callin’ my name. Unlike the Greek hero, I failed to resist their enchantment and I partook in some Ball-park glee with a touch of Hunts ketchup…

*** Hunts – The Official Ketchup of “Yargnits way of seeing stuff” ***

So as nature has it, a few minutes later the laws of sausage-physics start to kick in. For time sake I’ll skip straight to the law that applies…

#14: Hotdog in, Bratwurst out.

So with my new urge kicking into high gear I abandon the wife and kid to “take care of business” I prairie-dog it to the nearest crapper on the North side of the mall and head straight for the desired Handicap stall. (It’s nice to have the elbow room, ya’know) . I plop my gelatinous ass down and make quick work, but I’m in no hurry to leave. I’m kinda comfortable there and figure I’ll hang out until some asshole comes in and stinks up the place.

So I’m playing the back nine on my RAZR phone’s golf game and all the sudden there’s an earthquake! This freaks me out a little because #1 I’ve never felt an earthquake in the Midwest before and #2 I’m going to have to tell people I I was pinching a loaf when it happened. So I sat there pondering the thought and it happened again but I noticed it didn’t feel right. It’s like my body was shaking but my feet weren’t. So I waited for the next one… and there it was, not an earthquake… but rather two wall hanging shitters backed up to each other.

Meaning: I’m riding a turd-eating-porcelain-teeter-totter with some “hefty gal” on the other side of the wall. I thought I might as well make the most of it and have fun bouncing up and down giving the chick in the opposite room something SHE can blog about.

The vision of two lard-asses laying over broken ceramic and sheetrock with their naughty bits exposed brought my fun to an end. And it turns out that the true tragedy of the event was that I double-bogeyed on #16.

Yargnits OUT!