Pissing the bed can save your life!

I got up the other morning like many many times before and went straight to the first business of the day… pissing. This was a weekend too so it was a big piss, the kind that wakes your ass up so you don’t piss the bed. As a guy you thank god when it isn’t accompanied with a morning wood because that could lead to pain.

Anyway, I strolled up to the porcelain bucket and proceeded to go. After a few minutes I started feeling faint. I know “feeling faint” sounds kinda faggy but passing out is for drunks. Really I don’t know what I was feeling but I never felt it before. It’s like being a little dizzy but with the feeling I was going to check out. In those few seconds my mind went through a thousand thoughts.

The first thoughts consisted of self diagnosis. “What the hell is this?” “Am I going to pass out? – no you’re not drunk” “Am I having an aneurism?” “Is this what fainting is like?” “Does my piss smell THAT bad?”

The next thoughts centered on self preservation. I leaned over and grabbed the vanity, making sure I kept the stream centered. If I survived this deal the last thing I need is the wife crabbing about a piss soaked bathmat. I had a firm grip on the vanity when the piss trailed off and I started to feel back to normal.

Now my thoughts are on the way things could have turned out. Being fully conscious I noticed that I was leaned way over the toilet. What if I would have passed out? It could have gotten ugly. Hell, I could have died! Passed out, fell over, face in a toilet of my own stenchy piss, drowned. What would the scene look like when my wife or daughter found me? Would the CSI guys take pictures of my head in the crapper? I’d hope that the paper would have the decency to list the cause of death as “natural causes.”

After I told my wife about what had happened, it took her wisdom to point out that the whole episode was probably because of my giving blood the day before. That makes sense. The blood bank even told me that something like this could happen… although they didn’t give me the details. I think I’ll write a letter and to be safe, the next time I give blood I’m just going to piss the bed.